Middle Woman

When you’ve decided to go the self-publishing route, as I have, you cut out the middle man: The “Book Publisher.” You also cut out the agent and maybe even the editor.

That doesn’t mean they stop talking to you, er, they are you.

When 5 o’clock is approaching and the book still isn’t ready to plop into the Amazon Author account, conversations in the head can go like this:

Book Publisher Me: Sorry to call this close to five, but, is the book ready to go?

Writer Me: Ohh shoot… It’s…. Eeeeyeah, I didn’t finish. I—first, well, I had to get groceries. I am SOOO sorry.

Book Publisher Me: We, uh. Really need it, like, we really needed it by today. I guess we could give you another day.

Writer Me: Could you? Oh, could you—because I just, I just couldn’t get it all, ready.

Book Publisher Me: (crunching celery) Alright. (pause) But it’s tomorrow at five PM, okay? That’s the furthest out we can give you and then we’re just going to have to publish whatever you have. Muahahahahahaaaaaa!

Writer Me: (listening in horror)

Book Publisher Me: Oop, just a second. (muffled) Hey, you’re home early! (rustling) Ooh, Pad Thai! (more muffled voices). Okay, sorry about that—I have a meeting here, so….

Writer Me: Oh my god, seriously no worries, and, seriously, thanks. Thanks again, I really, really appreciate it. Oh! I did work on my platform today, by the way, that’s something, right?

Book Publisher Me: (rolling eyes) Mmm, excellent. Yeah. Okay. Okay then, well. We’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

End call

Writer Me: They really do not understand writers over there.